Dear Spanish ladies,

I know you aren’t always at the cutting edge of fashion, what with the mullet still a popular hairstyle, wearing leggings as pants, and confusing style with the sporting of designer labels – and I don’t expect you to be. But I felt particularly pressed to speak up about a recent disturbing trend that I have seen everywhere for over a year now–summer and winter–that has me cringing: Flesh colored pantyhose worn under short shorts.

I get it ladies – you want to wear the shorts, but want some coverage and don’t want the lady parts hanging out. But nude hose are not flattering and are never fashionable. They look dated and crappy on the waitresses and chambermaids who are still forced to wear them, and they look dated and crappy on you. Just remind yourself when you reach for them in the sock drawer: You are not a cirque du soliel performer, you are not Lady GaGa and you are not a professional ballroom dancer. Put them back in the drawer.

I’m not saying don’t wear the shorts, put those things on! And if you want to hold the ladyparts in/hide the buttcheek (and I commend you for doing so) or just be warmer, then don some sheer colored tights or even patterned hose.

Just please, not the nude stockings.

Do you need more reasons to dissuade you? OK: They are particularly disturbing when your legs are wanting of a shave. Stuffing your leg hairs into nude pantyhose does not hide the hair. I’ll be blunt, when you are a grown-ass woman, you can’t get away with shaving up to your knees and stopping like you did when you were 15. No. You are hairier now than when you were a teenager. Some of you teenagers are hairier than others, so don’t think because you still have a 1 to the left of your age numbers you get a free ticket.

If you don’t want to commit to shaving the full leg out of laziness, denial, or the belief in some myth that shaving makes your hair grow back thicker and darker (it is already thick and dark enough, believe me and everyone else you’ve stood next to in that outfit on the metro) then please, do yourself a favor and don some colored tights.

That’s all.

Love, Me